be proud, you've lost

If I were to write down every single feeling that's rushing through my body
every doubt
every judgment,
every question that's going through my head,
and every blood cell full of fury that's flowing through my veins down a single of peice of paper....


It would catch fire.








And I would watch it burn.
I would watch it turn to red
turn to orange,
to ash.


If I had the chance the see you
and tell you every single thing I have to say,
and ask you every question and confront you about every
doubt
feeling
and most of all deceit
and press your face against my chest and let you hear those blood cells flow, I would.

I can't believe you.





And I can't believe what you did
and what you made everyone believe,
I can't believe how you called me your best friend.



Remember when you told me you thought I was God's most beautiful creation?
I don't even believe in God.
And I no longer believe in you.



You don't know that I know this and you thought I never would.
If I were confront you, you would lie to me. You would lie to me. And you would do it to my face. Or better yet, you would apologize.
but your not sorry.
and I know this.



You've once again proved to me that people are all the same.
And you're just like everyone else.
You lie, You lie, You cheat, and you lie some more.
Thank you for showing me you can't be trusted.
but who am I too talk? I hurt you just as much as you hurt me.





I want to say I hate you.
But the truth is, I don't know if I ever could.



I'm not going to lie, I'll miss our friendship and our love and our so called 'honesty'.
I'll miss the old times but I'll keep in mind there will never be anymore.

I remember telling you that I trusted you.
Above most, at that.
And you told me that you trusted me too.

I don't trust you.
and you no longer trust me.
but you know what.
I no longer care.
you don't have power over me.
you cant break me down hard enough
to make me come to you and apologize.


I did break down
I broke down hard.
I realized what people you love can do to you.
you have me wrapped around your finger and you dont even know it.
and you really couldnt even care.

but one day when your alone
you'll think of those times.
you will.

and you'll regret.


You knew exactly what you were doing
and you knew...
exactly.
what it would do to me.

There's no apology in the world that will ever make me think twice.

and i mean this

the only thing im missing is postage

the only thing im missing is postage

Dear Lost Lover,
I don't think it's nessicary to address you by name, because by the time you open this, I do believe you're face will've been writen all over it.
I'm not happy with they way things are going and have gone in the not so distant past. And having absolutly no body right now makes it even harder to tell you no. I don't know how you do it, but you always end up squeezing yourself back into my life, and more recently, back into my dreams.

I meant it when I told you that you disgusted me. Because you do. Same goes for the things you've done.
I wonder if she knows about everything you used to tell me.

Doubt it. You're an expert liar.

I will admitt to you,
that I love you. I love you very much. But I don't miss you. I don't miss the way you would lie to me, I don't miss the way you would avoid me when there was a problem, I don't miss the way you made me cry.
You were the only one, who could actually hurt my feelings. And you did it very, very well.
But you no longer have that kind of power over me either.
I love you, but the only thing I'm missing is postage.
Though to be honest, you make me want to hate you.

I'm no longer wrapped around your finger. I'm sick of being here for you when it's convienient for your schedual.
I don't know how much longer that'll work for mine.
I won't be here forever, and until now, you didn't know that.

But I'm right here, right now.
So, if there's something you'd like to say to me, now would be the time to say it.

Sincerly,
Rachel Silva




PS,
Even though I've moved on, and even though I don't think about you as much as I used to, there are bits and pieces of you that will always be apart me.

I guess at one point I was your better half.
But I took that half and ran away with, didn't I.
I left with everything good. Now all you've got, is the bad.
And for your sake, I hope that turnes around eventually.

for you in my future

it's not like the books I've read, the fantasies I've had, the movies I've watched late at night.
not at all like that.
it's like walking what you thought to be a safe,
straight line and falling into
the only muddy puddle on the block.
it always has to be muddy.
it has to leave it's mark,
let everyone see that faltering moment you thought you could prevent.
no, if it wants you, it will get you.



however, what if you threw yourself into that puddle.
what if you wanted to.
i did, i wanted to.
loneliness can lead you to do a lot of things you wouldn't otherwise try.
(pseudo)online dating,
too much drinking,
watching intimate scenes and visualizing yourself swapped out with the lead,
perusing through personals hoping that the one that sounds interesting
isn't actually a 52 year old divorced felon.
morning, midday, evening fantasies
where you went out for a cup of coffee
and the man of your dreams was just waiting there,
ready to sweep you away at that exact moment
and cafe you were destined to be at.
marrying rock stars...

anything to keep you from thinking about the present moment.





work becomes mundane,
your goals take the back burner,
that glow people used to tell you you had,
it's gone too.
you slouch,
eat less,
then more,
try to find a pair of shoes that will have you feeling good again,
but none of them end up fitting right. c
ompulsive shopping,
messy bedrooms,
dirty dishes accumulate
until you finally force yourself to take care of the ungodly mess.

this is life.


life is being cheated on,
left without a word of explanation,
told "you're gonna go off and do your thing one day
and i don't want to deal with that when the time comes,"
and only lusted for.
this is life, for now.
high hopes,
low expectations,
self depreciating humor,
saying "no" to everyone for months; it's a yo-yoing pattern.


it does not matter how much love you have to give
if there is no one in your realm to give it to.
so you think about settling,
but that leaves an unsettling "what if?"
to drive yourself nuts with.


then there are a few kickers
if you are anything like me:



I'm always told by unavailable and attractive men
that i'm cute, sexy,
beautiful,
perfectly lovable,
fashionable,
talented
and i really should be with someone.
really?

i was hoping to stay alone for the rest of my years.
i was hoping to adopt 7 cats
and let them eat off of my fine china (which i would eventually acquire).

i was hoping to eat chocolate as a substitute for sex
and become obese like the rest of america.
anyway, sarcasm aside, yes, i should be with someone.
then these men rack their brains
to think of one of their friends that would be perfect for me,
wow, that's not almost embarrassing.
i know all their intentions are good,
but how is this making me feel good.
being told you're amazing but unwanted is no point to be enthusiastic about.

however, all that being said,
it's not that i don't appreciate it and willing to give it a go;
just don't expect me to be gleaming for those situations leave me at a loss for words.

sorry for the awkward silences,
i just don't know what to make of the situation anymore.
call it feeling inept i suppose and not knowing how this all came to be.
perhaps a part of me has just stopped trying for now.


when i was a kid,
my aunt was doing her residency in new mexico.
we went up to visit her and one of the days
we decided to go explore and ended up on some indian reservations.
we walked into this amazing ruin and being the kid i was,
stuck my head in every hole and window until i found something cool;
a crystal buried in one of the offerings holes.

so i took it and as i walked out saw a sign that read
"do not remove anything from these ruins"
and since i had already taken it,
i kept walking but wondered if that would leave me cursed.
as silly as it sounds, i still remember that day clearly
and have thought about the possibility that this crystal,
could be a curse on my romantic failures.
you can make yourself belive anything
if it makes your misery seem a little less your current-self's fault,
and more of an innocent child's finding a piece of cursed buried treasure.

i tell my self "ill find him one day."

i will.
just don't make me feel like i'm losing integrity
by the choices i need to make sometimes to get me through a rainy day,
month,
or year.

we all need a little something with someone,
sometimes. as horrible as it seems to say,
it makes the right person, sound even more right.


maybe it's best if you re-read this as a work of fiction; it might make me feel less like i'm walking around with my rear exposed.

thank you.