not at all like that.
it's like walking what you thought to be a safe,
straight line and falling into
the only muddy puddle on the block.
it always has to be muddy.
it has to leave it's mark,
let everyone see that faltering moment you thought you could prevent.
no, if it wants you, it will get you.
however, what if you threw yourself into that puddle.
what if you wanted to.
i did, i wanted to.
loneliness can lead you to do a lot of things you wouldn't otherwise try.
(pseudo)online dating,
too much drinking,
watching intimate scenes and visualizing yourself swapped out with the lead,
perusing through personals hoping that the one that sounds interesting
isn't actually a 52 year old divorced felon.
morning, midday, evening fantasies
where you went out for a cup of coffee
and the man of your dreams was just waiting there,
ready to sweep you away at that exact moment
and cafe you were destined to be at.
marrying rock stars...
anything to keep you from thinking about the present moment.
work becomes mundane,
your goals take the back burner,
that glow people used to tell you you had,
it's gone too.
you slouch,
eat less,
then more,
try to find a pair of shoes that will have you feeling good again,
but none of them end up fitting right. c
ompulsive shopping,
messy bedrooms,
dirty dishes accumulate
until you finally force yourself to take care of the ungodly mess.
this is life.
life is being cheated on,
left without a word of explanation,
told "you're gonna go off and do your thing one day
and i don't want to deal with that when the time comes,"
and only lusted for.
this is life, for now.
high hopes,
low expectations,
self depreciating humor,
saying "no" to everyone for months; it's a yo-yoing pattern.
it does not matter how much love you have to give
if there is no one in your realm to give it to.
so you think about settling,
but that leaves an unsettling "what if?"
to drive yourself nuts with.
then there are a few kickers
if you are anything like me:
I'm always told by unavailable and attractive men
that i'm cute, sexy,
beautiful,
perfectly lovable,
fashionable,
talented
and i really should be with someone.
really?
i was hoping to stay alone for the rest of my years.
i was hoping to adopt 7 cats
and let them eat off of my fine china (which i would eventually acquire).
i was hoping to eat chocolate as a substitute for sex
and become obese like the rest of america.
anyway, sarcasm aside, yes, i should be with someone.
then these men rack their brains
to think of one of their friends that would be perfect for me,
wow, that's not almost embarrassing.
i know all their intentions are good,
but how is this making me feel good.
being told you're amazing but unwanted is no point to be enthusiastic about.
however, all that being said,
it's not that i don't appreciate it and willing to give it a go;
just don't expect me to be gleaming for those situations leave me at a loss for words.
sorry for the awkward silences,
i just don't know what to make of the situation anymore.
call it feeling inept i suppose and not knowing how this all came to be.
perhaps a part of me has just stopped trying for now.
when i was a kid,
my aunt was doing her residency in new mexico.
we went up to visit her and one of the days
we decided to go explore and ended up on some indian reservations.
we walked into this amazing ruin and being the kid i was,
stuck my head in every hole and window until i found something cool;
a crystal buried in one of the offerings holes.
so i took it and as i walked out saw a sign that read
"do not remove anything from these ruins"
and since i had already taken it,
i kept walking but wondered if that would leave me cursed.
as silly as it sounds, i still remember that day clearly
and have thought about the possibility that this crystal,
could be a curse on my romantic failures.
you can make yourself belive anything
if it makes your misery seem a little less your current-self's fault,
and more of an innocent child's finding a piece of cursed buried treasure.
i tell my self "ill find him one day."
i will.
just don't make me feel like i'm losing integrity
by the choices i need to make sometimes to get me through a rainy day,
month,
or year.
we all need a little something with someone,
sometimes. as horrible as it seems to say,
it makes the right person, sound even more right.
maybe it's best if you re-read this as a work of fiction; it might make me feel less like i'm walking around with my rear exposed.
thank you.
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