Really, I appreciate the effort

These memories only dwell in the back areas of my mind.
Months on end they leave
thy reappear. leave. appear.
leaving and appearing, this sounds much too familiar to select few of us.

Each time remembering something new and forgetting some minor detail of our lives.
I feel like I only allow myself to remember everything that was said
and the things that where not exactly what wad felt.
but how could I justify why I remembered. I must have felt something.

I pray in the back of my mind that it was love.

figuring why I'm remembering these things
,justifying why not to forget.

I don't allow myself to remember the bad,
only the memories of your comfort.
not realizing how pathetic that made me.


I have these vivid dreams about those times,
sometimes I can't even believe it was real.
No wonder I liked you, you where my outlet
you where my escape.
You know I could find any of thos feelings from just about anyone.
But they way you portrayed yourself was out of complete and genuine areas of your mind and soul.
your genuine qualities is something that even the toughest people suffer to forget.


Sometimes I wish so hard you could be copied, with minor alterations and circumstances.

Is this selfish of me to think?

I find myself replaying memories,
remembering things you said, the way you would say it, the sound of your voice.

trying to remember the roughness of your skin, the sadness behind your eyes.
the tiny details of your face, the touch of your hand.
All these things I try to rememer are stuck behind brushed glass,
in between grief and sorrow,

and letting go.


I thought I let go.
why was I perfectly fine untill now.
Why now?
What did I realize?

I realized this, our relationship was at a simple and vulerable place.
not new enough to feel nerves. but not old enough to headache.

but the things we did, and the mind alterations that you so desperately wanted to share with me.
was what happened.
what where you trying to heal? what where you so much trying to forget?
you where good at playing numb. you where good at playing effortless, careless.
I wonder if this is why you where drawn to me.
you didn't care.
I will admit, sometimes the words you said sounded forced.
sounded fabricated, and cheap. Like words you have spoken to any other person.
but that genuine quality you had made me believe.


so what am I holding onto?
You have nothing to offer you knew how this would end.
But I'm sure you didn't think it would end like this for me did you?
I don't expect anyone to listen, but never believe any promises.
you cant determine that you will never hurt someone.

I didn't even believe that the night you said it,
the nights you subtly started to convince me to be comfortable.
you said keep my guard up, to not fall in love.
but you knew exactly what you where doing.
you knew you where charming, you knew the place you just put me in.
you said it yourself.

the fact that I didn't listen, is now evolved into a series of thoughts that I am now suffering serious nostalgic consequences from.


I truly appreciate the months you spent with her.
Because it's made me realize the better in me and the faults in you.
it made me realized that you really didn't care.
because you where careless and genuine.
of course you would leave for someone less than you had.

im not going to pretend that i feel better.
that Im cured.
because this is something that could never be cured.
its not that I loved you. That I am so wretchedly heart broken.

But more so the person who continued on after you left.