change of routine, change of
people,
feelings,
diet.
if it rains suddenly, the hole world looks as though threw a different perspective
if you have a peculiar dream
the rest of the day feels like a daze
a constant daze where you feel like you cant to anything
but you cant quite do nothing.
where you find yourself spending an evening alone with your comforter
blanket in front of your dim basement television
re watching raw independent films.
which make you feel in touch with reality
opposed to a movie for escape
you become in touch with your loneliness
your fate.
your behaviors no longer matter to you anymore
you know there are no happy endings
loneliness
thoughts of calling up a friend
yet you want to abandon and separate yourself from everyone and everything.
you cringe at the sound of ones voice,
the telephone ringing.
the doorbell.
anything that snaps you back into human interference
you now enjoy your own company
in a pessimistic and dismal way.
you lose track of the hour.
it feels earlier in the day than it actually is
outside is so dark that day time seems to lose itself in the wet asphalt
cars slick by your house.
people seemed to have disappeared.
safe inside their homes.
you stop wearing makeup
you don't change your clothes
your skin aging and dry
your face unresponsive
mood enhancers
make you dizzy and wish for
a strong drink.
drinking tea by the box.
food doesn't taste as good.
avoiding text messages
you find yourself lost in a character in your movie.
neglecting your fate.
this is life.
this is when you become in touch with reality.
you find insane asylums appealing
you let yourself go.
nothing seems to matter
in the end we fall in love
it will screw up
you tell yourself it wont.
but it always does.
and then you have the opportunity to
deal with that for the rest of your sad and pathetic life.
your problems seem like nothing
as you sit and watch movies about relationships
murderers
death.
dying becomes accepted
your parents ask you how you are
you feel nothing
they worry
displeased because you know its nothing
you know it doesn't matter.
they send your sister to california
as you sit in the rain
in your basement which has become all yours for the weekend.
you live in your own scum.
you like it that way
tea cups pile up
your skin becomes pale.
you stay in your work shirt and it blends into the darkness of your appearance.
your computer becomes your best and only friend
where you escape from everything,
google is your best friend
myspace; your enemy
you abandon your phone.
you contemplate they idea of writing your feelings down.
you never do.
you let them accumulate in the back of your head to only make things worse
you know your doing it to yourself, you cant help it.
and the only times you don't think about that person
is when your lost in your nest of blankets with the remote in your hand.
when your in your gaze.
your fantasizing becomes increasingly substantial
your fingers grow numb
the fire holding back the tears from your eyes
you want to cry
but tears remain absent
then you start to miss that person again and recede to the first person who's there.
who ever would make you feel that way.
that way that you fantasize
intimate scenes leave you desperate and hungry
deceptive and back heart retching scenes leave you with a slight grin.
the only emotion that will wash over your face throughout the day.
you don't feel like yourself.
you pull the hair out of your face and the cold leather couch kisses the back of your neck
spread out over your territory
you walk aimlessly around the basement in between commercials looking out the windows you've never looked out
to watch the rain.
cars passing only occasionally
you think about nothing
except a fantasy
you want to feel the rain.
you want to feel something.
but you refrain.
make another cup of tea
this will be the end of me
this
will be my spring break.
No comments:
Post a Comment